By Your Side - Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

Self-Destruction

For once in my life, I have this thought of giving up my life.
I remember few years ago, my friend quoted this, "Tired of life, but so hard to end it."
Really...what is giving me this thought of "suicidal"?
I do not even have an inch of an attempt to do that.
It is practically giving up my faith and my trust in God.
If I do that, then I won't inherit His kingdom.
Right now, I don't know even what He is thinking, but I am sure that He is hearing and comforting me.
I am taking this world for granted, and now the world is all against me.
I am trying to help my family, but then no matter what right or wrong that I do, they will go against me.
What is up with that?
I am financially broken.
It has nothing to do with my credit card blow out because I know it is my responsibility to give my payments back.
Sometimes, I really want to go back to the past and tell my family that we will go into bankruptcy.
When my family was wealthy, I can honestly say that, I never took it for granted.
As a "wealthy" little boy, I thought everyone was equal.
I live in a house, and they live in a house...it was that simple in my point of view as a child.
Now I look at it, I see that the world is already corrupted with the anxiety to chase after money.
Psychologically speaking, people will always keep chasing after stuff because it's vanity!
It will never be enough.
Not to go off topic, let me shift back to the actual blog.
Thinking back to the time when my family was rich, I really do that bit of wealthiness.
Why?
I DON'T WANT TO USE STUDENT LOAN!
That is it.
That is the main point of this blog.
I don't want to use student loan.
Just now, I received a letter saying that I must repay BC Student Loan back...
I am kind of shock because I am still in school.
Yes, they made a huge mistake.
I am still in school.
Just because I didn't go back to school for the summer semester doesn't mean that I am not going back to school.
*SIGH*
How I wish I found a job...
A part-time job...that could help me repay my payments...and also use it bring glory to God.
Why am I having such a difficult time with finance?
The question really is: how am I investing my money?
How am I GOING TO invest my money......my student loan......credit card payment.......God's kingdom.......mother's credit card payment......
Too much to list.
There is absolutely no way I could count how much money I will be spending on.
However, I pray to God that I will invest my money wisely and not be obsess with this and that.
I also pray that I will use the money that He has given me to bring honor and glory to Him.
For you readers: If you have a part-time job that you could introduce to me, then can you help me with this?
I would very much appreciate it.
Thank you.

Trading MY EVERYTHING for Jesus

Perhaps there are moments when I am "alright", and moments when I am not alright.
But really, there are definitely moments when I am feeling kind of wasted.
From morning until evening, I feel so wasted.
There are no other things that can satisfy me besides Jesus Christ.
So, why am I complaining about being wasted and feeling of not being alright?
I fall short of the glory of God.
I breathe very hard and blow EVERYTHING out.
I have enough of it!
I confess that I am trying to replace Jesus Christ with worldly materials...and it is already bringing me sadness.
I consider everything loss in comparison to the glory of Jesus Christ.
Everyday, I have to drop and roll to put out the fire on me.
It is either that or I get roasted.
It is a battle and a constant wrestle with my sinful nature. (Romans 7)
I do not want to think about it and I do not want practice it.
IT IS A SIN to idolize them! (Exodus 20:3)
However, must I drop thinking about my future?
It is alright to think about it.
God has already prepared it and have something even far more greater than I can ever imagine or think of.
However, it will all depend on how I will live my life for Him.
Progressive Sanctification...sounds very Christianese.
I don't know what will happen, but I desire to constantly pray that God will open up the paths for me to walk to.
Even now, I do feel kind of sorrowful in some ways.
I had dreams about her these days.
See, I cannot control dreams.
Images just flies by my mind and I just have a dream on it.
There are moments when I'm marrying her...or going out...or just enjoying each others moments.
For some reason, I do forget some of the moments in that dream.
However, what is God trying to say in those dreams?
How I wish that, tonight, God would speak to me in my dreams and show me something.
Nonetheless, I can never ever be sure with those dreams.
I want to be reminded each night before I sleep.
I want to constantly pray for her and for my future...including my spouse and, most importantly, my walk with Jesus.
I want to always ask God to get rid this attraction or emotion if IT'S NOT FROM HIM.
I asked Him in the past, I am not 100% sure if He has already answered it...
Perhaps He did, and now it is time for me to step up in faith, and put my trust and hope in Him.
Put Him first...always.

I'm trading my
sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

Thetis Island

My youth has gone to Thetis Island this morning.
Quite unfortunate that I am not able to attend because I want to stay home and look after my family.
I don't want to go out too much or else I'll lose my reputation at home.
I attended that retreat when it first started, which was after I graduated from High School.
And then I went again last year as well.
Not only did I enjoy that moment, but I felt refreshed (a little) from the world.
It is one of those times when most of them get refreshed (a little).
That place is beautiful and it is worth going to a retreat there.
I do have pictures from it on my computer and probably on facebook, but I'll just leave it at that.
Perhaps I should considerably pray about working in a ministry at OBC.
Ever since Awana has stopped, for this summer, I haven't been serving God at OBC...
Not sure if washing window counts, but keeping the place maintained and clean would please God.
Serving in a local church is very important because it is part of your home.
Why serve in local church?
Because that is where your MISSIONS start.
I like what Allan Self said, "C4C is not your local church. You must serve at your local church."
By the time I graduate from SFU, I won't be serving at C4C anymore unless I go on to grad school.
I have been praying whether if I should go back to the youth group and serve in that ministry.
I do have passion and desire to teach them about lots of stuff that I went through in which they have yet to experience.
If you are not serving at your local church, then I highly encourage you to find a ministry that you can serve there.

No, I am not alright

Pray for me.

August 9th ~9:00pm - ~10:00pm

My friends, my brothers and sisters, I am alright.
I am okay.
Although it was a very long talk, it was well worth the time to invest in building up the friendship.
It was also to good to know about her household and friends.
I am officially marking this date as one of those days.
Today was a very very long day.
1.) Church
2.) Church "picnic"
3.) Best Buy with OBC
4.) BBT with OBC
5.) Billy's house and then Masao's house for a little while.
6.) Played a little bit of soccer while I was chatting with Eliza.
7.) Dinner at Martinis with OBC.
8.) Tenth Avenue Evening Service PLUS the ARTICLE ONE...woot Got the preview of their band.
9.) OBC decided to take a long walk along the sea wall to Kitsilano Beach...took almost an hour.
10.) Stay at the beach for almost another hour.
It was one of those great moments that I will have hard time forgetting.
I was about to head home at the evening service, but it was well worth the moment to walk and talk on the phone with her.
It was more meaningful than to just sit on the bus and go home while talking to her.
Why is it meaningful?
Because I get to talk to her and spend time with my OBC brothers and sister (only Eliza).
It was also a time to rejoice and give thanks to God after the phone call.
It is set for August 9th 2009...that she and I have made a covenant with each other.
What is the covenant?
Give each other ONE YEAR to think over and earnestly pray about it and see where God is leading us.
My friends were staring at me as if I was depressed or mind-blown.
Actually, I am not depressed or anything.
It was MY CHOICE to make this covenant with her and my God.
Therefore, I am not depress...and I won't regret it.
Don't worry...I am okay...even though I may not be totally honest about it.

Isaiah 40:28-31
" Do you not know?
       Have you not heard?
       The LORD is the everlasting God,
       the Creator of the ends of the earth.
       He will not grow tired or weary,
       and his understanding no one can fathom.

 ²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
       and increases the power of the weak.

 ³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
       and young men stumble and fall;

 ³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
       will renew their strength.
       They will soar on wings like eagles;
       they will run and not grow weary,
       they will walk and not be faint.

My God is the Everlasting God.

I will wait upon Him, and may my be renewed through Him.

Love always trust

After coming back from Awana Camp, I felt stronger for a moment.
Once you fall into deeper level of sin, then everything seems like flowing down the sink.
However, I am stronger and have tons of realization each moment.
There is a certain situation where I am conscious of what will happen once I fall and have more deeper understanding of it.
Warning: Don't fall into the pit hole or else you will have to climb yourself back up.

On Aug 3rd, I thought my Fall Schedule would totally be messed up to the MAX.
I couldn't get into ANY of the classes I wanted to enroll into.
So I am like constantly freaked out about it and trying to find courses to enroll into.
But I give up and don't know what to take since almost all of the courses are closed.
Then I prayed to God if this is His will for me to take other courses or take a break for the semester.
However, it is the matter of trusting God whatever the circumstances are.
Here is how it started:
IAT 100 was full - couldn't get in.
IAT 102 has an open lecture, but all of the studio lab was full - couldn't get in,
Tech 101W was open, but I couldn't enroll in it for some reason and lost all hope - couldn't get in.
CMPT 120 was open, however, since I couldn't get into the classes above, I decided to drop it.
Okay, I don't know what to do.
Michelle, Serena's sister, reserved a spot for me for IAT 100.
I messaged her and she hasn't responded to me for a long time, therefore, I thought she might have already dropped the reserve course that was intended for me.
It was also my mom's birthday during that day.
Before I went for dinner, Michelle messaged me that she will call me later on at night.
Once I received her call, she dropped the course, and I enrolled into IAT 100.
PRAISE GOD.
Once I enrolled into IAT 100, I immediately enrolled back into CMPT 120...and I totally beat the people who were wait listed.
PRAISE GOD
Michelle told me to message to TECHONE advisor about Tech 101W situation.
After messaging to the advisor, the next day, I enrolled into Tech 101W.
PRAISE GOD.
 Later on that afternoon, which was yesterday afternoon, Michelle called me that IAT 102 lecture and studio lab was available.
I gave her my ID and password and help me enroll since I was out.
Once I got back home, I was already enrolled into IAT 102.
PRAISE GOD.
I give thanks to God for hearing my prayers when I am struggling.
I didn't doubt about it because I fully trusted God that He will take me through.
I wonder if God was messing around with me????
He was probably testing me at that moment to see if I would still trust Him and not doubt.
Lesson for all of us...don't doubt, but always have trust, hope, and faith in our Lord that He will take us through the storm.

Awana Scholarship Camp 2009

I just came back from an exciting place where I could serve God and be "out" of this world.
Yes, Awana Scholarship Camp.
I had another great privilege to serve at that camp again.
It was a very good to be there again.
I have lots of things to share.
When I say lots, I meant LOTS.
It is hard to blog and talk about everything that I have learned, but I really do want to share something.
We all have ONE life to live.
Just ONE.
Once you're done with this place, you are officially done.
Theme for this week was Black and White.
Verse for this week was based on John 10:10
I enjoyed my moment in listening to the Holy Spirit speaking through the Pastor who came from Nanaimo.
The purpose of his message is "the cost of following Christ".
How much are we willing to give up on the things we idolize and follow Christ?
What are some stuff that are holding us back?
Are we willing to rededicate our lives back to Christ and follow Him?
There are so much concepts in it, but I didn't take note of it...and I definitely should start doing that.
Buy a booklet and take notes so I could discern it.
 In term of campers, you don't mess with those kids.
That is why we call it SCHOLARSHIP camp.
Who usually gets scholarship in school?
The people who works hard and earn high marks on all their courses.
Yes, these campers, from grade 6 - grade 12 grad, knows the Bible quite well.
I asked some campers about Leviticus and Numbers and most of them would say it is a boring book and wouldn't bother reading it.
In terms of the younger grades, it is usually the time when they are reflecting on verses and memorizing it.
It is a good thing because not only do they memorize it, but we, as leaders and counselors, challenge them to apply it when they get back home.
Psalm 119:11 "I have kept your words in my heart, that I might not sin against you."
However, I am not in position to judge whether if they take it by heart or take it seriously because I don't know.
Hopefully, they do apply everything that they have learned in one week back to their "mission field" and not let the things they learned flow by and become vain.
I usually talk to the young ones instead of the older ones.
It seems that I have trouble getting to know the older ones (which are in grade 11 and 12).
I don't know! Whenever I walk by them, I try to say "Hi", but they just walk pass and ignore me.
Some do respond, but only a "hey".
Anyhow, it was an great week that I have invested.
I really do hope that I will return and help out again next year.

PS: If you want to know more about Awana, then look back at March 2009 archive.