By Your Side - Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

Self-Destruction

For once in my life, I have this thought of giving up my life.
I remember few years ago, my friend quoted this, "Tired of life, but so hard to end it."
Really...what is giving me this thought of "suicidal"?
I do not even have an inch of an attempt to do that.
It is practically giving up my faith and my trust in God.
If I do that, then I won't inherit His kingdom.
Right now, I don't know even what He is thinking, but I am sure that He is hearing and comforting me.
I am taking this world for granted, and now the world is all against me.
I am trying to help my family, but then no matter what right or wrong that I do, they will go against me.
What is up with that?
I am financially broken.
It has nothing to do with my credit card blow out because I know it is my responsibility to give my payments back.
Sometimes, I really want to go back to the past and tell my family that we will go into bankruptcy.
When my family was wealthy, I can honestly say that, I never took it for granted.
As a "wealthy" little boy, I thought everyone was equal.
I live in a house, and they live in a house...it was that simple in my point of view as a child.
Now I look at it, I see that the world is already corrupted with the anxiety to chase after money.
Psychologically speaking, people will always keep chasing after stuff because it's vanity!
It will never be enough.
Not to go off topic, let me shift back to the actual blog.
Thinking back to the time when my family was rich, I really do that bit of wealthiness.
Why?
I DON'T WANT TO USE STUDENT LOAN!
That is it.
That is the main point of this blog.
I don't want to use student loan.
Just now, I received a letter saying that I must repay BC Student Loan back...
I am kind of shock because I am still in school.
Yes, they made a huge mistake.
I am still in school.
Just because I didn't go back to school for the summer semester doesn't mean that I am not going back to school.
*SIGH*
How I wish I found a job...
A part-time job...that could help me repay my payments...and also use it bring glory to God.
Why am I having such a difficult time with finance?
The question really is: how am I investing my money?
How am I GOING TO invest my money......my student loan......credit card payment.......God's kingdom.......mother's credit card payment......
Too much to list.
There is absolutely no way I could count how much money I will be spending on.
However, I pray to God that I will invest my money wisely and not be obsess with this and that.
I also pray that I will use the money that He has given me to bring honor and glory to Him.
For you readers: If you have a part-time job that you could introduce to me, then can you help me with this?
I would very much appreciate it.
Thank you.

Trading MY EVERYTHING for Jesus

Perhaps there are moments when I am "alright", and moments when I am not alright.
But really, there are definitely moments when I am feeling kind of wasted.
From morning until evening, I feel so wasted.
There are no other things that can satisfy me besides Jesus Christ.
So, why am I complaining about being wasted and feeling of not being alright?
I fall short of the glory of God.
I breathe very hard and blow EVERYTHING out.
I have enough of it!
I confess that I am trying to replace Jesus Christ with worldly materials...and it is already bringing me sadness.
I consider everything loss in comparison to the glory of Jesus Christ.
Everyday, I have to drop and roll to put out the fire on me.
It is either that or I get roasted.
It is a battle and a constant wrestle with my sinful nature. (Romans 7)
I do not want to think about it and I do not want practice it.
IT IS A SIN to idolize them! (Exodus 20:3)
However, must I drop thinking about my future?
It is alright to think about it.
God has already prepared it and have something even far more greater than I can ever imagine or think of.
However, it will all depend on how I will live my life for Him.
Progressive Sanctification...sounds very Christianese.
I don't know what will happen, but I desire to constantly pray that God will open up the paths for me to walk to.
Even now, I do feel kind of sorrowful in some ways.
I had dreams about her these days.
See, I cannot control dreams.
Images just flies by my mind and I just have a dream on it.
There are moments when I'm marrying her...or going out...or just enjoying each others moments.
For some reason, I do forget some of the moments in that dream.
However, what is God trying to say in those dreams?
How I wish that, tonight, God would speak to me in my dreams and show me something.
Nonetheless, I can never ever be sure with those dreams.
I want to be reminded each night before I sleep.
I want to constantly pray for her and for my future...including my spouse and, most importantly, my walk with Jesus.
I want to always ask God to get rid this attraction or emotion if IT'S NOT FROM HIM.
I asked Him in the past, I am not 100% sure if He has already answered it...
Perhaps He did, and now it is time for me to step up in faith, and put my trust and hope in Him.
Put Him first...always.

I'm trading my
sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

Thetis Island

My youth has gone to Thetis Island this morning.
Quite unfortunate that I am not able to attend because I want to stay home and look after my family.
I don't want to go out too much or else I'll lose my reputation at home.
I attended that retreat when it first started, which was after I graduated from High School.
And then I went again last year as well.
Not only did I enjoy that moment, but I felt refreshed (a little) from the world.
It is one of those times when most of them get refreshed (a little).
That place is beautiful and it is worth going to a retreat there.
I do have pictures from it on my computer and probably on facebook, but I'll just leave it at that.
Perhaps I should considerably pray about working in a ministry at OBC.
Ever since Awana has stopped, for this summer, I haven't been serving God at OBC...
Not sure if washing window counts, but keeping the place maintained and clean would please God.
Serving in a local church is very important because it is part of your home.
Why serve in local church?
Because that is where your MISSIONS start.
I like what Allan Self said, "C4C is not your local church. You must serve at your local church."
By the time I graduate from SFU, I won't be serving at C4C anymore unless I go on to grad school.
I have been praying whether if I should go back to the youth group and serve in that ministry.
I do have passion and desire to teach them about lots of stuff that I went through in which they have yet to experience.
If you are not serving at your local church, then I highly encourage you to find a ministry that you can serve there.

No, I am not alright

Pray for me.