Self-Destruction

For once in my life, I have this thought of giving up my life.
I remember few years ago, my friend quoted this, "Tired of life, but so hard to end it."
Really...what is giving me this thought of "suicidal"?
I do not even have an inch of an attempt to do that.
It is practically giving up my faith and my trust in God.
If I do that, then I won't inherit His kingdom.
Right now, I don't know even what He is thinking, but I am sure that He is hearing and comforting me.
I am taking this world for granted, and now the world is all against me.
I am trying to help my family, but then no matter what right or wrong that I do, they will go against me.
What is up with that?
I am financially broken.
It has nothing to do with my credit card blow out because I know it is my responsibility to give my payments back.
Sometimes, I really want to go back to the past and tell my family that we will go into bankruptcy.
When my family was wealthy, I can honestly say that, I never took it for granted.
As a "wealthy" little boy, I thought everyone was equal.
I live in a house, and they live in a house...it was that simple in my point of view as a child.
Now I look at it, I see that the world is already corrupted with the anxiety to chase after money.
Psychologically speaking, people will always keep chasing after stuff because it's vanity!
It will never be enough.
Not to go off topic, let me shift back to the actual blog.
Thinking back to the time when my family was rich, I really do that bit of wealthiness.
Why?
I DON'T WANT TO USE STUDENT LOAN!
That is it.
That is the main point of this blog.
I don't want to use student loan.
Just now, I received a letter saying that I must repay BC Student Loan back...
I am kind of shock because I am still in school.
Yes, they made a huge mistake.
I am still in school.
Just because I didn't go back to school for the summer semester doesn't mean that I am not going back to school.
*SIGH*
How I wish I found a job...
A part-time job...that could help me repay my payments...and also use it bring glory to God.
Why am I having such a difficult time with finance?
The question really is: how am I investing my money?
How am I GOING TO invest my money......my student loan......credit card payment.......God's kingdom.......mother's credit card payment......
Too much to list.
There is absolutely no way I could count how much money I will be spending on.
However, I pray to God that I will invest my money wisely and not be obsess with this and that.
I also pray that I will use the money that He has given me to bring honor and glory to Him.
For you readers: If you have a part-time job that you could introduce to me, then can you help me with this?
I would very much appreciate it.
Thank you.