Expressionist

It has been a week.

Not pretty used to it.

Last night, when I was coming home from Bubble Tea at around 12am, I suddenly realized she didn't call.

We probably won't talk on Sunday evenings anymore.

It happened so fast.

Thinking back from last week, it was a sudden shock to my nerve, yet I am not sad about it.

Give me Jesus. You can have all this world, but give me Jesus.

Casual Life and Happy Canada Day!

 Just now, I started re-reading Galatians and Proverbs.
I am slowly pacing my reading in Genesis because it is so important and deep
Not only were there much reminders when I read it again, but whenever I read the Scripture, the messages are so fresh as if I learned something new.

The past two days, I have been out a lot.
My brain was cracking up because I was so tired that I got home after 12am.
On Tuesday, I went to Kevin's place to watch Liar Game.
Liar Game is similar to Death Note.
Except, Death Note based more on life or death, while Liar Game is based more on money by deceiving people.
Too much commentary made by the group.
It is either Sam or Kevin who makes dumb comment.
Overall, I like Liar Game, except they use the Bible out of context.
I didn't drive my car, therefore, Alison and I had to go home by transit when mid-night almost hit.

Yesterday, I went to watch Toy Story 3...with four other ladies: Chi, Wanda, Alison, and Myra.
DUDE! Where are the guys!?!?!?
Apparently, the guys were busy and I was the only one available.
When I got to the movie theatre, I thought there was a long line-up for Toy Story 3.
However, it seemed that people were actually charging into the Twilight section.
Phew!
Afterward, Myra and Wanda had to leave.
Alison, Chi, and I, along with Amanda who came later, had dinner together at some Tofu Hot Pot.
Went to Metro and did a little bit of window shopping.
Observed Alison in how she did her grocery stalking.
Later on, I met up with JOanne because she was leaving for Singapore, and with James, Janelle, and Nicki.
 
Anyhow, sometimes I am a detailed blogger, but I haven't blog about my causal life for a while.
I do have some deep personal life in me, but I won't share them.
I have been praying hard to allow God work everything out for my future.
Two things I lifted up to God for my future: Career and Spouse.
Nothing less, but maybe more when stuff comes out.
For career path, I have been thinking about doing what I am studying in SIAT - Media Arts.
More joyfully, I love teaching the Bible and talk about it.
I love Jesus, I love reading His Words, I love praying, and I love serving Him in ministry by feeding His flocks.
Youth Ministry and Children Ministry are the areas in which I am serving at my own church.
I am very excited about that.
Today, I have been doing some preparation for Sunday school that I will be teaching.
Kids are from grade 4-6.
It is going to be interesting because the kids are expanding a lot.
More kids are coming out to learn about Jesus and are coming out to cause trouble for me, but I love them =)
I haven't officially taught the youth in the past.
I did teach the Trek at Awana during one or two of the seasons.
Leading a big group of kids (around 10 youth) can be challenging too.
It will be a re-building stage for the youth in helping them grow in spiritual maturity.
I do hope and pray that they will step up for leadership as a youth executive.

Anyhow, Happy Canada Day! So how old are you, Canada?

Ma Life Time (Psalm 73:23-26)

Sitting here in front of my computer at 2:35am.
Came back from hangout with my church friends.
Yeah, we were out very late today.
Went to eat dinner.
And then went for Bubble Tea.
And then went to E-Spot and played.
Standing here or sitting here.
Before His presence.
Thinking of all the good things He has done.
Waiting here patiently.
Just to hear the still small voice again.
Holy, Righteous, Faithful till the end.
How can I forget His faithfulness?
Of all the things He has done in my past...
He saved me during my deepest and darkest moment in my life.
Depression hit me and I just wanted to hide from the world in that little deep dark corner where nobody could find me.
I tried to hide...I tried to run...
Yet, He was still gracious and loving.
He cleaned up the furniture and found a lost coin...
That lost coin was me...
I was so lost in my life where I didn't deserve His love.
But I was so miserable that I cried and ran back to Him because I needed Him.
He is enough. He is sufficient.
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
I have been going through a lot of mixed emotions.
It reminded me of how I came to know Christ.
I want to be strengthen again during that moment.
My mixed emotions...
Has a lot of do with tears running through my eyes when I pray and ask God what I need to pray for...*sob*
I read the passage when Jesus ask, "Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full."
Jesus, what do you want me to ask you so that my joy may be full?
Greater things have yet to be done.
Whenever I meet up and talk to my friends (those who know about it), they would ask me, "How are you doing?"
How should I answer them?
Should I say "Yes, I'm doing good" or "No, I'm not doing good"
When I see them, I know they are praying for me.
They know that I am going through trials - fires of sorrow.
I have been praying and praying.
Patiently waiting for Him to answer me.
Waiting for Him.
Be still, and know that He is God.
God is faithful, therefore, He is worthy to be praised.
His works are perfect.
My friends know I have a shattered heart.
Yup, my heart is broken and shattered.
God is healing and shaping me.
I am not strong.
However, without Christ, I can do nothing.
All I would be doing is crying and being depressed.
I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I have been enduring this pain for a while.
That is why I said I have a lot mixed emotions.
When I feel down, I depend solely more on God, and I focus more on Him.
He is all that I need because He is the ultimate provider.
He is the only who I can depend on that can BREAK OFF any confusion that Satan has laid in my life.
And her life.
Can I honestly say I am not desperate to be in a relationship?
I told my friends that I am not...
Am I just saying it, or do I mean it?
Do I have kind of integrity to say so?
I am not obsessive about it anymore.
I told my closest brother and sister about my life.
It seemed like these things are happening because of what I did...
I do want the best for her.
I do want her to think things through.
I do want her to think deeply about our potential relationship.
I told her almost everything she needed to know about me.
Because I do want the best for her.
Last year, I confessed to her about my purity issues and asked her to pray for me.
Praise God! I am having victory over sexual immorality!
Just recently, around last month ago.
I asked her if she liked me.
I asked her if she is interested in me.
I asked her if she sees us being compatible with each other.
I asked her if she can still see us being more than just friends.
I asked her during the time we've spent together, was there a "spark" or a "click" in our hearts.
I didn't want to hide anything from her.
I wanted her to make sure that she is with the right godly man.
That is why...I set a one year covenant to pray about it.
I wanted to make sure too...and so does she.
I told her, "Do not awaken love until it desires so."
Now...
Things seem to be getting a lot more interesting than I have ever expected.
I asked myself, "Why are some females so confusing? I don't understand them anymore."
Am I the one who is causing the confusion or Am I offering her my love?
Indeed, I surrender her to You.
I don't want to take pride in it.
It is all for the glory of God.
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called
according to his purpose."
She is God's daughter.
Only God will confirm.
I leave it up to the Father to see if He is willing entrust His daughter to me.
Right now, I desire to stay faithful to Him.
Set my eyes focused on Him and the prize that He will reward me.
Although deep down inside, I do want to be in a relationship.
However, I am not hungering for it.
All I want to do right now is seek His kingdom.
If God provides me a girlfriend (future spouse), then praise Him!
If not, then praise Him!
But God knows my heart more than I could know myself.
He knows my desires.
He knows that I am alone.
Nevertheless, nothing is more better than the reward that God will crown me.
I will worship You for who You are, Jesus!
Amen.

 "Nevertheless, I am
continually with you;
   you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your
counsel,
   and afterward you will receive me to glory.
  Whom have I in heaven but
you?
   And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may
fail,
   but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

The Books

The Bible (Read)
The Qur'an (Haven't Read)
The Book of Mormon (Haven't Read)
The New World Translation (What does the Bible REALLY teach?) (Haven't Read)
Haven't read it? Don't talk about it!

Watch this video on youtube!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-v3uDgWtX4o

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Happy Father's Day.
How should I start off with this entry?
There are lots to share.
What is boggling in my mind lately?
For the past 6-8 years, I have been bitter against someone.
Someone whom I should love.
Someone whom I should respect.
Someone whom I should have kept in contact.
Someone whom I should forgive.
That "someone" is my father.
He is that "someone" whom I haven't spoken, seen, and forgiven for a long time.
He may have done a lot of "terrible" things in my family, but he has a lot of reasons why this situation has happened.
Last night, I had the spirit to speak to him with no fear and nothing holding me back.
It has been a while since I last heard his voice.
He said my voice has changed.
We shared how life was.
I am glad that he is doing alright.
His body is getting weak now.
He is getting older.
He is exercising a lot to keep himself stable.
He knew that I am Christian because my uncle told him.
He asked me, "Who asked you to call me? Is it mom or brother?"
I answered, "Jesus."
Later on...after sharing each others story...
He wept...
He wept......
For the past 6-8 years, last night was one of his most happiest moment in his life.
He thought mom told me to call him.
He never ever thought that Jesus would tell me to call him.
Therefore, I did, and I obeyed, and I forgave him.
I understand him.
I understand the disappointment he went through because of my brothers.
I understand he went through a lot of pain.
I understand he went through loneliness.
I told him about the reason why I didn't call him for the past 6-8 years.
Mom told me a lot of things about what my father did.
I became kind of bitter.
I became unforgiving.
I didn't understand why he treated my mom the way she told me.
Now...
No matter what he kind of sin he has committed to my family, I still forgave him.
I told him, "I forgive you because God forgave us. I've sinned, but God still forgave me. If He is willing to forgive me because of my sin, then why shouldn't I forgive you?"
I forgive you.
I don't care anymore what happened in the past, but don't let it scarce our broken bondage for life.
He gave me a lot of teachings...
At this moment, I'm going to take care of mom while I await for him to come back.
Thank You, Jesus.
For never leaving nor forsake my family.
I pray that he will come to know You one of these days.